I Wish My Girlfriend Had Told Me She Was A Vampire Before We Got Together

She's a real pain in the neck, if I'm honest.

Oh wow, thank you for opening my cage and letting me out. You do know I'm a vampire, right? Yeah, my girlfriend never told me she was nightwalker. A fanger. A suckhead.

Then one night while we were making love she bit me in the neck.

"Ouch!" I said. "That fucking hurt!"

"Yeah, but now you are immortal."

"Huh?"

"Well, biologically immortal," she explained. "Just stay out of the sunlight."

"Oh, I always do," I said, not understanding. "I have such fair skin, I'm at high risk for skin cancer."

"Well, you don't have to worry about cancer any more," she said. "It's vampire hunters you've got to keep your eye open for."

"What hunters?"

"Vampire hunters," she said. "You're a vampire now, Christine."

"Oh shit!" I said, holding a tissue against the wound on my neck.

I saw her licking her lips and I realized that was my blood on her mouth.

"I wish you had told me you were a fucking vampire, bitch," I said.

"Hey!" she said. "Name calling is not nice!"

"Yeah, neither is biting, you leech!"

So that's when she locked me in this cage, supposedly for my "own protection." She's very paranoid about vampire hunters. She doesn't want me running around the neighborhood trying to bite people's pets, you know.

I still love her though, that's the problem. I'm mad as hell at her, but still totally attracted to her. I mean, see for yourself. Here she comes.

Yeah. I don't know whether to fight her or fuck her, to quote Martin Scorcese.

I just love her fangs. I mean of course I was freaked out the first time she bared them. But now I just think they're so cute.