Girl Fight! Girl Fight! Gather Around Everyone!

A board game erupts in passions of various sorts

Our game night had gotten bigger and bigger. It filled up the whole house. Some people were playing Settlers of Catan, some people played this new dice game called Tatari. I don't like that one, it's got these evil dolls that freak me out.

Me, I stuck to Monopoly. It was so fun.

Until Katherine bought St. James Place.

I had the other two orange properties — Tennessee and New York. I really needed the fricking St. James Place.

“Don’t buy it, Katherine, please,” I implored.

“Fuck you, bitch,” she said. “It’s mine!”

She threw down the money.

“I’ll pay you five hundred bucks for it,” I offered.

“No effin way,” she said.

“Why are you such a c**t?” I said.

Gasps all around.

Did I really just say the c-word? I was joking, right? Or was I?

“Because I can be,” she said, and she rolled the dice — bitch had rolled doubles and got to roll again.

“Awesome!”

She landed on Illinois. Bought that. And now she had a monopoly on the red properties, which as any Monopoly player knows, are pretty awesome.

“I’m building hotels on each one,” she announced.

“No way,” I said. “You have to wait for your next turn.”

“No I don’t,” said Katherine.

“It’s in the rules!” I complained.

“Let’s see the rules!” said Katherine. “I know you, Chrissy. You would have lost the rules years ago. I mean, look at this set. It doesn’t even have the doggie. Where’s the doggie, huh?”

“I don’t know!” I said, grimacing.

Did I really lose the doggie? Shit! That’s serious. Where does one buy a replacement dog? Well, at least that explains why I chose the hat! I hate the hat!

“We can just Google it,” said one of the guys.

“Stay the fuck out of this, Jared!” snapped Katherine. “This is between me and Chrissy.”

“Sorry,” said Jared.

He’s a pussy.

Katherine threw in some money and started putting up houses on the properties.

“Take those fucking identical green tract homes off my Monopoly board right now, Katherine,” I seethed. “It’s not your fucking turn!”

“There,” she said. “Now I’ve got four houses on each property. Here’s some more money, give me three hotels, Jared.”

“Jared, don’t!” I practically screamed. “It’s your turn, Cody! Roll the fucking dice.”

Cody is a pussy too. He looked at me trembling.

“But, but, but…”

“Oh fuck you, I’ll roll the dice for you. Look, you got a three. I’ll move your piece. Oh, look at that. Go to jail. Do not pass go!”

I put Cody in jail. The guys were looking at me like I was crazy. My boyfriend at the time, Aron, though, was loving this. He loves it when I go off. I guess that’s why he was still with me — my temper tantrums amused him. Usually they bum guys out. Not Aron. The more I went off, the bigger kick he seemed to get out of it.

“Alright, it’s your turn Jared,” I snapped. “I’ll roll for you if you’re too scared of Katherine to roll the dice.”

“She is pretty scary,” said Jared.

“None of this counts!” announced Katherine. “I’m still on my turn and I’m still waiting for those fucking hotels, Jared!

“Jeez!” whined Jared.

“Ah fuck this!” said Cody, and he lifted up the board, overturned all our pieces, and ended the game.

“You ass!” I said. “I was winning.”

“I don’t care,” said Cody. “It’s not fun playing with you two. You’re both so competitive and mean. It’s just a game.”

“Can we just go back to playing beer pong?” said Jared.

But Katherine and I were glaring at each other.

“You know I’m a trained kickboxer, don’t you, bitch?” I threatened her.

“I’m a black belt in karate, Chrissy. Don’t fuck with me.”

“Hey!” shrieked the guys. “You girls are scaring us now!”

“Please don’t fight!” whined Jared. “Please. I’m feeling really anxious. Does someone know where my inhaler is? I put it down. I can’t find my inhaler. Chrissy! Please don’t attack her.”

“Oh, I’m gonna do more than attack her,” I said. “I’m gonna put her in the ground.”

“Did she say on the ground?” whimpered Cody.

“I think she said in the ground! Oh God!”

The boys were actually crying now.

Katherine grabbed my hand and started twisting. I was a little nervous. Those karate people can be pretty scary. But I bet she’s not really a black belt.

“I bet you’re not a black belt,” I said.

“How much do you want to bet?” she said, taking her fighting stance.

“I bet you’re a bitch belt!”

“Help! I’m calling 911. I’m calling 911!” squealed one of the guys. I don’t know who. Because I was getting my ax kick ready.

“Please!” cried Jared and Cody.

“Calm down guys,” said my boyfriend. “Girl fights are hot, don’t you know that?”

I glared at Aron.

“Aron, shut the f up!”

“Really?” said Cody and Jared, lightening up. “Like a lesbo show, you mean?”

I was appalled.

“Oh, this is gonna be hot, alright,” I said. “I’m gonna light her on fire with my fucking foot!”

“I wouldn’t have lesbian sex with that bitch if she was the last pussy on the isle of Lesbos,” said Katherine, which I thought was pretty literate for a bitch who actually worked for the stupidest company on Earth--Meta. Yes, they actually hire people and let them sit around in offices acting important — like this bitch Katherine.

We resumed our fighting stances. Cody pulled out his phone.

“911, there’s an emergency. I think two girls are about to kill each other…over a Monopoly game. Yes, a Monopoly game if you can believe that, ma’am. But yes, they are squared off, and they are about to fight.”

“No, they are about to perform a lesbo show,” assured my boyfriend, in such a confident tone. He did happen to know that I found Katherine attractive, even if she was a bitch. I guess that’s where his confidence came from. It was misplaced. I did want to put her in the ground.

Cody hung up the phone.

“They said they can’t send a car unless the girls are actually fighting and hurting one another,” he said.

“No worries,” I menaced. “My ax kick only takes half a fucking second to break a bitch’s jaw.”

“My right hand on the left side of the neck comes down in a quarter second. And puts you out, girlfriend.”

“You’re not my girlfriend!” I spat.

I was actually starting to calm down, but then I realized, if I backed down now, she would have won, and I would have looked like a coward.

I looked at her. I could tell she was thinking the same thing.

“Should we call off the fight?” I asked. “I mean, it’s just Monopoly.”

“Yeah, maybe,” said Katherine. “The guys are getting scared.”

“I’m not scared,” said my boyfriend. “I’ve got a half chub right now. Rip her clothes off, Katherine.”

“Aron, shut up,” I snapped. “This is serious. I need an apology.”

“Oh, you won’t be getting one of those,” said Katherine.

“This is my house. My Monopoly set. Sure, it’s missing the rules and the doggie, but I mean, show some respect. Don’t fucking buy St. James place if the host wants St. James place.”

“You’re acting like a child, Chrissy,” said Katherine. “You have arrested development, though, so it’s not surprising.”

“Oh, what are you, a psychoanalyst?” I spat. “I thought you worked for Facebook doing fuck-all for your dead platform!”

“I read it in your blog,” she said. “You admitted to having the personality of a spoiled baby. And I totally agree.”

“Do not!”

“Do so!”

“Do not!”